Like the past, the movie never changes. It can't change, but every time you see it, it seems different, because you're different. You see different things. - 12 Monkeys (1995)
It makes sense, the quote. Short of a director's cut or George Lucas tinkering with his older work, movies don't change. That's what makes them each kind of perfect. You look at some directors when they start out and they have some pretty promising ideas and a remarkable style, but something just isn't hitting right. Over their career, you can almost track their improvement and who they were when they made the movie.
Notoriously, Spielberg and Lucas were both going through some nasty divorces while making Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and, man, does it show. People eating monkey brains, snakes, people getting their hearts ripped out, enslaved children! Only two years prior, Spielberg was making E.T. Imagine instead Elliott and Gertie in chains while the government people were eating E.T.'s brain.
I watched a ton of movies as a kid. As I've gotten older, not a lot has changed. I'll go back and watch the movies I loved as a kid. Sometimes, they're not as good as I remember, but almost more common is how different they seem now that I'm older. I can't help but ask myself, "What were my parents thinking?"
About a year ago now, I was flying back from a trip to Florida to visit my brother. I went with my sister so our seats were either next to one another or close to one another. Because I got paranoid that if I used my phone the plane would malfunction, I opted instead to watch something from the in-flight service menu. There were all kinds of options.
And, God help me, I chose Beethoven.
Now, I'm not positive how this will affect my reputation, but I've seen Beethoven more times than I'd like to admit. I remember seeing it in the theater when it came out, meaning I was either 8 or 9. Seems like a prime Beethoven watching age. Even as a kid, the children of the main characters annoyed me. Every. Single. One of them. But, I wasn't there for the kids. I was there for the dog.
In my life, I've never owned a larger dog so a St. Bernard in a movie was quite the thing for young me. It also had just enough Home Alone antics in it that it kept me entertained. Naturally when it was released to buy on VHS, my parents bought it. My parents also thought the kids were annoying.
Just a regular, normal dog movie. Perfect for the whole family.
Watching it on the flight was strategic. I was nervous about practically everything that could happen on a plane. I've seen way too many Final Destination movies to fully trust public transportation. Hopefully, Beethoven would calm my nerves.
The plot is not at all what you'd expect. It was definitely different from what I remember. There is a doctor (Jones) who is in cahoots with an ammunition maker and is getting paid to experiment on dogs. How does one test ammunition on dogs?
BY SHOOTING THEM!
This isn't just some random adventure they're embarking (pun intended) on. No. Beethoven escapes the doctor and his henchmen (Tucci, Platt) and is taken in by Grodin's family. Beethoven grows into the enormous dog that he is and the doctor comes across him again. We're talking at least a year has to have passed. And this doctor is so evil that he has to kill Beethoven because he was the one that got away.
There's even extensive discussion about shooting Beethoven in his head because it's so big. The doctor starts HITTING Beethoven to instigate an attack, makes the family give Beethoven up and then plans to shoot the dog in the head.
What is wrong with people? Understand, I'm not offended; I'm just confused. Given the credentials of the filmmakers, the script is co-written by the person that directed The Slumber Party Massacre. She made that and the producers of Beethoven were just like, "Hey, yeah, sure. You did a good job with that driller killer picture. We need you to do a big dumb dog movie."
And, from what I can tell, there was no outrage over the plot. Families at the time must have been so distracted by the dog, who is adorable of course, that they just pushed aside any of the subplot's weirdness. And, again, the only thing I really remembered about the movie before watching it on the flight was that I couldn't stand the kids and there was a big dog in it.
I'm not the type to clutch my pearls, but I'd be hesitant to show this movie to any kids now. People jump up and down about the microaggressions of others. Imagine those people watching a kids movie where a doctor is trying to shoot the main dog in the head. Think that would make some headlines?
But, I'm a critic. I have to determine whether or not the movie is good and it's kind of a "meh". It's not terrible. It's decently shot (for what it is) and Grodin gets a couple of laughs out of me. The kids are awful as advertised. There's even a few tears that were shed by the end. Lucky for me, I was on a plane and everyone saw me getting choked up.
Most of the best films are some combination of art and entertainment. While there isn't a whole lot of artistry to Beethoven, it is pretty entertaining. It's less than 90 minutes and you get to see Charles Grodin lose his ever-loving mind throughout. The testing ammo on animals subplot is kind of a lot and it could be scary for kids to see Beethoven attack the doctor, but the film does have the lesson of "adopt, don't shop" towards the end.
My nostalgia for this film definitely overshadowed any of the more seedy elements at play. I'd say if you have kids that are 10 or above, they might like it and not get too scared. Anything below 10 is a little questionable. There are plenty of age appropriate, and non-violent, kids movies out there.
What is so astounding to me, though, is that the film hasn't changed. It was me. Maybe I'm a little more sensitive than my parents were as to what to show kids and at what age. Or maybe the filmmakers were a little crazy to add that particular part of the plot. Either way, Beethoven is a little more than what you expect, but what it is may not be all that appropriate.
And, good gravy, the kids. Grodin should have traded the kids out for Beethoven.
Beethoven (1992)
Directed by Brian Levant
Cast: Charles Grodin, Bonnie Hunt, Dean Jones, Oliver Platt, Stanley Tucci
Runtime: 87 minutes
MPAA Rating: PG (for thematic elements)
Rating (out of ****): **
Beethoven is available on all major streaming platforms to rent or buy.
